Memories...

​My hands are sweaty, my heart is racing and my breathing hard! 
The tones have just gone off!  What kind of call am I going to have this time? 
UN1!  Not again! 
I’m trembling inside, hoping we don’t arrive first as I don’t want to be the one in charge! 

​It’s a 3 month old male, not breathing and unresponsive! 
Oh Lord, I can’t handle this!  The anxiety washing over me is almost unbearable. 
We aren’t successful and after the call, I’m in tears! 
I feel like I am falling apart on the inside yet I have a chart to write and more calls to run, all while pretending I’m perfectly okay.

​How can I go on?

​I’m in denial!  It’s nothing I can’t handle!  I really don’t need to talk to anyone about this! 
I’ve done my job for years and can keep doing it just fine, I continually tell myself! 
Every day I go to work, I feel the anxiety washing over me! 
Sometimes I feel almost paralyzed. 
I’m a paramedic and I’ve seen things no one should have to see! 
I’ve comforted too many grieving people! 
​I haven’t been able to save everyone and even when I get them to the hospital before they die, it’s sometimes not enough!

​What do you do when you have these feelings? 
Do you ever feel hopeless?  Whatever your situation, there is help, I promise you! 

​As I share my story in these blogs, I hope you can find the same thing I have, peace!  Hang in there friend!  You aren’t alone!     

​~Teresa